


warmth.

by llochro



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:15:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29755320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llochro/pseuds/llochro
Summary: "I never stopped loving you," I tell him as I smile while tears keep falling down my cheeks.My body is shaking as I feel intense feelings of sadness and anger wash over me. I am breaking down in front of someone I truly love and I am afraid that I will scare him away."I just wanted to keep a distance because I knew I was't good enough for you or anyone else. I'm a mess and nobody likes that."
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Original Character(s)
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning and Content Warning: 
> 
> This story will deal with a person suffering from a mental illness. This will have its share of triggering contents which may affect you. If you ever get uncomfortable with what is written, please stop and try to relieve yourself of the stress, anxiety, etc. I do not wish to harm anyone's mental health. Dropping the story due to it is alright too. A sound mind is better than a breakdown.

First day of classes always freaks me out. Often, I would wonder how I ended up still being alive at the current moment. I do not think much of the future since I cannot really picture a future for myself. It is like I am looking at my hands and there are spiderwebs. While I want to remove them or blow them away, I cannot seem to move my body. I know I own my body, but I do not feel like it at all.

My therapist tells me that I am creative and that it would be productive of me to write what I feel or experience in a journal. I am not exactly sure where she got the idea that I am creative, for she has never read what I have writtenbefore, nor has she seen my art.

My anxiety is creeping in, and I try to drown myself through music while everyone swims to the surface of noise. Some people seem to have made friends already while others are in the process of it. Those like me either draw on their notepads or listen to music, too. Feeling some neck pain from the position I have of crossing my arms to my desk and resting my head on them, I raise my head and see a familiar person walk in the room.

His black hair drops until his neck, and his bag is about to fall off his shoulder. He looks around as if he is searching for a friend. Realizing that no friend of his is around, he frowns and takes a few steps towards the seat where not many are grouped together. He sits down, still quiet like he does not want to be noticed at all.

I have known that he is gonna be attending the same university as me. However, I have never expected to have at least one class together with him. While he is familiar to me in so many cases, he probably does not know or care much about me. He looks uncomfortable being by himself. He takes a deep breath as if to reassure himself that everything is going to be alright. Iturn my hands into fists and decide whether or not I should try to sit near him.

Tetsurou, his friend, would have done it already if he were here, so I stand up, grab my bag and take the seat next to the vacant one beside him. He notices me, and I try to give him a smile, but he has already looked away.

The room goes silent when someone dressed like a professor — sophisticatedand strict — enters. Some of the people grouped together go back to their seats as if that is their way of surrendering their possible mischief for an hour and a half.

The first class of the day begins, but my mind is full of thoughts about Kozume possibly being more uncomfortable with me and me being judged. I do not know if I regret sitting near him or not.

Do I introduce myself or not? Should I or should I not?

A part of me is anxious while the other part, the one that is suddenly growing inside me, is telling me to avoid overthinking things. I look at Kozume again. I try to tap his shoulder or his hand. I call him.

“Hey,” I whisper. He does not look at me. I look at the professor then at him, checking if I got noticed by anyone else. Our professor is welcoming us freshies to the university. She is giving us a background to the course while my heart is pounding in my chest.

“Kozume,” I whisper. He hears it this time. He sneaks a glance at me.

“Sorry.” I apologize first before introducing myself, “I’m Yukimura. We both went to the same school. It’s nice to see a familiar face here.” I gave him a genuine smile, hoping he will return it, but he does not. I do not take any offense from it since I believe that he is quite shy. He nods instead. That is the closest I will ever have to getting quite an introduction to Kozume.

After all, I have liked him for so long.


	2. Chapter 2

My alarm wakes me up, and I am groggy. I turn it off, bury my face on my pillow as I hope it can take everything away from me. Despite the ridiculous wish, I throw it away and take a deep breath. Tears form in my eyes as I turn around to face the ceiling. My back is digging a spot deeper on my mattress so my bed can embrace me and tell me all of its sweet, sweet promises of how it is better not to leave. I am considering them all.

About to cry, I take a deep breath once more. I reach my hand out to the desk beside my bed to search for my medicines. My tears fall to my cheeks as I grab them.

There are no instant happy pills, but the idea that I have taken something to possibly help myself is the happy pill I need. My prescribed dosage on one of my meds requires me to take only half of it. I take one and a half, then I stare at the ceiling again. I cry.

It is only the second day of classes, and I have already gone absent.

Something is hurting inside me, but I do not know why. Everything feels so wrong, but nothing is. I take deep breaths to calm myself down. I force myself to stop crying. I wipe away the tears.

I get up and do not care about making my bed. I skip brushing my teeth because it feels like it is too much work. I wear my hoodie and grab my wallet before locking it and leaving.

Headed to the convenience store just outside of the building, I take the elevator. I get out and head to the store, only to realize that I have forgotten my earphones.

My earphones and music are like the other parts of me. They silence the noisy world and my thoughts. Since I have forgotten my earphones, I find it difficult to move freely. I feel like everyone’s eyes are on me, watching my every move.

What happened to that girl who got up and sat near Kozume yesterday, I thought.

Sometimes I get the sudden urge to do something without thinking it over well enough. Sometimes I get the sudden urge to do something according to how people around me feel. Whether it is empathy or not, I do not know, but I am certain that it makes me weak.

I grab whatever I feel like eating and drinking for the day. I make sure that everything I buy can last until tonight because I have no plans of leaving the unit again.

I head to the cashier and give the guy my items. Suddenly, my stomach growls, and I feel embarrassed.

The guy at the cashier does not seem like he has heard it at all. He checks out my items and tells me how much they are. I give him my payment while he asks if I wanted my food to get heated. I shake my head as an answer of“no.”

I get back to the unit as quick as I can, wanting to eat. Once I am back, I think about whether I can eat already or brush my teeth first. I force myself to go to the bathroom and wash my face and brush my teeth while I heat one of the meals I bought.

“Stupid,” I say, referring to myself as I stare at my reflection.

My mom tells me that nothing is wrong with my face, yet how come I _feel_ ugly? Not many know what it is like to _feel_ the insult. I feel ugly no matter the features I have. Other times I think I am average, but most times I feel ugly. Sometimes I think that if I were prettier for others and myself, my life would be a whole lot better.

I take my hoodie off and put it up on the doorknob of the bathroom.

My microwave oven makes a sound. I get my meal and stare at it before digging in. Everything feels so difficult to do, and my body feels so heavy.

I wonder what Kozume thought of me. I wonder if I came off as a flirt. I wonder if I should act like that again or if I should just do whatever I feel like doing — disappearing into a corner. But I do not want him to feel lonely even if he seems like he does not want to stand out.

It is funny how I still have a huge crush on him after all this time. While my friend liked Tetsurou, I noticed Kozume instead. Their volleyball practices were fun to watch for her back in Nekoma. Meanwhile, I found it entertaining to watch Kozume being with others. I liked it whenever he was focused on something. I believe he has a lot of potential. I believe in him even if he barely knows me.

I never really got over my crush for him. There are times when I wonder that if I were pretty and not shy, maybe he’d see me. But I have to live with what I have — a growing mess of thoughts. Also, my feelings are a burden. Who would like knowing _I_ have feelings for them?

It was a shock to know that Kozume would be attending the same university as me because it was a coincidence, but it scared me to know that Sakura would be attending a different school. Sakura wanted to go to the university Tetsurou was going to, but she was not able to take an exam there.

I hope my friendship with Sakura remains the same. Albeit I have that wish, I am the one drifting away from her. I feel like I am a burden to everyone. I do not want to be inconsiderate and forget that she has her problems, too.

After eating, I grab my journal and pen. I write: Cried, ate, slept. So much for being creative, I guess. My therapist should know better than to assume my creativity and skills. I put my journal back to my bag, then I prepare myself to sleep again since it’s the only thing I feel like doing.

I take my meds again even if I am not supposed to.

I feel so sorry for myself.

I just want to disappear.

I pull my blanket over me and close my eyes, hoping not to wake up soon.


	3. Chapter 3

Three weeks have passed. It is 5:17 AM. I go to the bathroom and prepare for the day. It feels like a weight is lifted off of my shoulders when I am finished taking a bath. I dry myself with a towel then dress myself up.

Knowing that I have a lot of time, I play around with makeup. I moisturize my face first, apply a primer, then a foundation. I use a concealer lighter than my skin tone under my eyes, and a concealer matching my complexion to conceal some spots I do not like on my face. I put on some blush on my cheeks. I get my eyebrow mascara and put some on. I choose the lipstick with the closest color to my lips, then I smile at the mirror.

I look okay. I look okay. I look _okay_.

In some weird way, I feel okay being in my own skin.

I wear my earphones. The first song that plays is slow yet still kind of upbeat. It makes me sway my hips. I move my shoulders according to the beat. I close my eyes, let the music dictate how I should move.

If a stranger were to come and see me, they would be weirded out by a girl dancing on her own in a quiet room. How can the silence make you move enough with such grace?

I mouth the lyrics as I twirl around, feeling like I am one with the song. And just like that, the first song I listened to becomes the song of the day.

I take my bag then head outside even if my class is not until 9 AM.

I walk my way to the university since it is close. I walk past passersby and I catch one or two persons look at me. Suddenly, my energetic self is gone and the wall that is my confidence — one that was built just a few moments ago — crumbles. I am anxious again.

Distracted, I bump into a stranger and he smiles at me.

“Hi there,” he says, smirking. “Wanna get some coffee with me or something?” He eyes me from head to toe.

I flinch. I am scared.

He looked at me from head to toe! He _fucking_ looked at me from head to toe!

“I’m sorry,” I apologize.

I look away, avoid him, adjust my pace and walk faster. My heart is pounding in my chest. My hands shake as the feeling of wanting to cry gets me. Trying to get to my university, I try to remove my lipstick through rubbing my sleeve against my lips.

“Shit, shit, shit,” I curse under my breath.

As soon as I arrive, I look for the comfort room at the lobby. I lock myself in one of the cubicles and cry. A part of me wants to scream yet here I am trying to be as quiet as I can since I did not want to draw anyone’s attention to me.

After that, I leave the cubicle and find myself still alone. I wash my face with water from the sink as I rub my hands against my face. I just want the makeup to come off. I feel so stupid. I feel like I am watching myself somewhere far away. I feel numb and empty but scared at the same time.

I stare at myself in the mirror.

I want to disappear right now. I want to disappear right now. Please let my reflection swallow me whole and cage me in. I do not want to be outside anymore. I want to be back in my room. I want to cry and sleep.

Looking at my phone, I notice that it is nearly 8 AM.

I go outside the restroom and bump into another person. I am close to cryingagain after realizing that the person is a guy. I feel scared, terrified.

“I’m sorry,” I say in a panic.

“Sorry,” he says at the same time.

“Ah, Yukimura,” he notices who I am.

I look at him and realize that he is Kozume.

“It’s just you.” I say, feeling relieved until I realize what I might have meant. “There’s nothing wrong if it’s you. It’s just- It’s actually better.”

“Okay,” is his only answer.

“I’m sorry if I’m being annoying,” the words slip out of my mouth before I can even control myself. I try to laugh it off so as to lighten the mood.

“Excuse me. You’re blocking the way,” someone says.

“Ah, I’m sorry.”

I move aside and she walks away.

“Sorry,” I say for the interruption.

“There’s nothing to apologize for, though,” Kozume says.

“I know. I’m-“ I stop myself from saying another apology. Instead, I ask about what I have missed from our class during my last absence. He tells me what happened. He tries telling me the lesson in the simplest of ways. Done, he looks at me.

“Are you alright?”

I fake a smile. I must look like a mess.

“Yeah.”

He looks away.

One thing that I noticed about Kozume is that he finds it hard to look at people in the eye especially when talking to them. I wish he knows how beautiful his eyes are despite how intimidating they seem. I wish he knows how nice it is to be seen, but not in the way I was seen by a stranger. There is some kind of warmth coming from him. Kozume is like a moon flower.

“There is a quiz, by the way,” he says.

“What? I don’t have any notes about the last meeting,” I tell him. I sigh.

“I’m heading to the cafeteria to eat. You can read my notes while I stay there,” he says. Somehow, I feel comforted. Is this him showing some concern? I do not know.

“Sure. Thank you,” I tell him.

He waits for me to go ahead. He takes out his gaming console and plays as we walk together in silence. I sneak a glance at him, wondering how it is possible to unlove him even if he has never known my feelings for him before. He does not have to return my feelings just for me to keep on having feelings for him.


End file.
